dad

I keep debating on how to begin this post. Putting my emotions into writing and publicly writing about my dad's passing is difficult for me and I am struggling to put the right words together. I have put this off because in my mind paying public tribute to my dad on my blog makes it official and more real than ever. My sister left a great tribute to our dad on her blog and couldn't have worded things more beautifully. 

My dad unexpectedly passed a little over 2 weeks ago, of "natural causes". Doctors are saying it was most likely either a stroke or heart attack (view full obituary here). I feel super strong that 1)it was a heart attack 2)he went quickly and 3)that he was at the happiest point in his life when he passed. This has been a huge trial and test of faith for our family, one that words can't describe. I will never forget the night he died, the difficult days that followed, the sorrow I felt for myself for losing my dad, but even more the sorrow I felt for my mom for losing her husband. We have been overwhelmed by family, friends and support we've had and I wanted to say thank you to everyone for the kind words of support.

While thinking about my dad in the days following his passing I've had memories pop up that I haven't thought about since I was little. Memories of him fluffing my pillows at night, hiking and camping in the mountains, giving his time to serve others, thinking he was so insanely awesome because he could mow the lawn with one hand, chasing us around the house with an alligator puppet on his hand, letting us ride on his back playing horsie, writing us outrageous stories about "Nessie" (the loch ness monster, of course) going to Utah games, the list could go on. Growing up my dad was adventurous, funny, hard working, and loving. He taught my sister and I how to be tough, and also to love sports and outdoors. I'm confident if he hadn't been around we would have grown up to be huge wussies. 

Looking back on recent years with my dad, I have a few precious memories I will always treasure, but the memory that will always be most significant in my mind was having him in the temple when I married Andrew, and hugging and speaking with him in the sealing room. Our family has been through our share of good times and bad, and the past few years with my dad have been extremely happy ones for our us all. I feel very strongly that my mom is a huge part of the happy memories I've had with my dad in recent years. I will second my sister's statement on her blog that "she is a perfect example of loyalty and true love." She's taught me that no matter how good or bad life can be, love and marriage are the most important things. The way she cared for and stood by my dad through every up and down that came their way is impressive and admirable, and I only hope I can apply her outlook of commitment and love in my own marriage and future family.

My mind has been opened these past few weeks, and there have been many miracles that have happened in the midst of this tragedy that have proven to be huge blessings of comfort. In addition to these tiny miracles, there have been lessons learned. Getting back to real life since his passing has been extremely difficult. In speaking with my mom we both agree that everyone should stop what they are doing for at least a month, put their lives on pause and just stare at a wall and think about my dad. The world shouldn't keep going in the midst of such a tragedy, but it does. And so do we. In getting back to everyday life in this crazy, fast-paced world I feel that I will forever be changed moving forward. I wanted to focus on a few lessons this whole experience has taught me.

1. Make the most of my relationships - you never know when your loved ones' time on earth will come to an end. Life happens fast and unexpected events can happen at any time. Love fully, forgive quickly, and enjoy the small moments together. 
2. Don't hold grudges
3. Be kind - not just to loved ones but to strangers. This whole thing has taught me that you never know what other people are going through. If someone cuts you off driving, offends you, etc. they could be going through a much harder time. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
4. Reach out to people - helping people who are going through a hard time can be uncomfortable and awkward. There are no words that anyone can say and nothing anyone can do bring my dad back, but the kind cards, food, gifts, and visits from people have meant so much to my family and me. We have been overwhelmed by the kindness of others and it has really inspired me to make more of an effort toward those struggling or going through tough times.
5. You can always pray - Finally, throughout this whole experience I've regrettably had quite a few hard feelings. I have gone back and forth between sad and mad. Angry at God for giving my mom cancer, angry for taking my dad from our family, angry at the fact that our family was so happy and were cut short of some happy times together. No matter how bitter or angry those feelings have been, for some reason I have continued to pray. When I do I feel comfort and reassurance that my dad is okay, he is looking out for us, and that we will all be together again. Life can be tough, but I am so grateful for the knowledge that "thine adversity and afflictions shall be but a small moment." (D&C 121: 7) This gospel gives me hope and makes this trial bearable, and I'm grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation that I have that brings me comfort every day.